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[20 Feb 2006|10:21pm] |
they say you make your best decisions when they are yours, completely uninfluenced by another source. you were the only decision i made on my own and it was my smartest move.
maybe it's time for a new beginning.
I'm sick of starting over again with someone new trying to make it work because he has lines and moves. I want to be in the arms of someone who makes me feel comfortable. I want to laugh, I want to joke, I want to feel at ease. No more games, no more act. you were right, I'm not in a movie and I should stop playing a part. I've realised what I really want and it turned out to be the opposite of what I was going for. maybe I needed you to show me where my heart really stood. my heart has been somewhere else all along. I didn't have the guts to admit it before but I think I'm beginning to come to terms with what's really important.
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[10 Feb 2006|05:38pm] |
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ITS MY BIRTHDAY..... but today someone told me I'm not supposed to expect anything.....
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[27 Jan 2006|05:29pm] |
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hi, I'm ashamed of a lot of things, how about you?
Imogen was amazzzzzzing.
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[15 Dec 2005|10:28pm] |
i have so many feelings that i'm not allowed to share.
we're all prisoners inside ourselves.
this world can sometimes be overwhelming,
i wish i could take a break for awhile.
everyone please go buy your christmas gifts.
go to the mall and shop all day long.
ask yourself what you're really contributing to.
a lousy tradition that has lost all of its meaning.
i can't win in this world.
it's too strong for me.
i am part of the weak, sometimes i feel i am standing all alone.
i am a prisoner inside of this body.
i dont like my face,
although i guess it suits me well.
i cover myself up on the inside and the out.
i dont like the way i act.
i dont like my lazy nature or my rolling eyes.
i want to get rid of everything i've done up until this point.
i want a new face.
i want to get rid of all i know.
i want to erase what i know i can't have.
i know i can't have you.
i'm trying to let this all go.
i'm trying to stop this all from happening.
i just want to breathe.
don't forget to breathe.
i was so close and i lost it somehow.
i want to get back there. just for a split second.
there's nothing to hold onto anymore.
i am nothing but a prisoner.
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| this is a long drive for someone with nothing to think about |
[11 Dec 2005|11:07pm] |
now that i have nothing, i am worthless.
all that there was left to do was just drive, and drive, and drive.
so i drove.
i've realized that the best things in life are free.
people.
and scenery.
i feel like watching you've got mail.
i wish i owned more movies.
do you think that boys and girls were meant to be in relationships? i mean seriously. we're so different it's insane!
sorry, just a thought.
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[17 Nov 2005|01:37pm] |
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i wish i had a relationship like kyle and jill's.
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| c i r c a s u r v i v e |
[30 Oct 2005|01:37am] |
:)
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| free love |
[25 Oct 2005|01:19pm] |
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Last night I caught a glimse of my version of heaven. I wish I could tell you what I saw and what I felt, but words wouldn't describe either.
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| i'm either interesting or i'm not. |
[09 Oct 2005|04:15pm] |
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Last night I saw Thrice. I was in the front row with Gabbie. Incredible. I can't even describe. Incredible. I can't believe we got up so close. It wasn't as crazy as I thought it was going to be but I am definately sore today. My ears are ringing a little bit. That really made my night though.
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| d e c e m b e r i s t s |
[13 Sep 2005|05:41pm] |
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music |
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everybody loves somebody - dean martin |
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( decemberists show )
KelluhKelluh Hi: who is that
GabbahGabbah Hey: just some guy
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| i want to see you go to sleep in the dirt. |
[31 Aug 2005|05:58am] |
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music |
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my main man em |
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My biggest problem is lack of self confidence. Is it my fault I just don't want to get my hopes up? Let me hate myself, that's all I ask. Don't try to paint a fake smile on my face. It won't work. Sometimes you have to own up to your own emotions. If you don't, they will eat you alive.
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| I'm tired of starting again, somewhere new |
[10 Aug 2005|05:10pm] |
goodbye san diego, you're already missed...
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| sexy |
[25 Jul 2005|11:46am] |
| [ |
mood |
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optimistic |
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| [ |
music |
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making love to the camera- The starting line |
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I wrote a letter to myself, but I couldn't bare to send it.
so I tore it up...and wrote a letter to a friend.
Yesterday I moved to Livermore.
I'm in a town that I actually like.
my computer is here, my bed is here, my clothes are here, my John Mayer dvd is here.
I'm home.
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| i hate that song 'dirty little secret' |
[14 Jul 2005|06:07pm] |
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music |
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who has to know? |
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I was really moved by this sketch. It's awsome. The owners sister made it, and they're selling it for 3,000. If I were rich I'd definately hang this in my living room. Sayings like "I don't have to have children," "I dont have to wear a wedding ring," and God Damn right we don't. We as women have come so fucking far in the past decade. We rule now. I am definately blessed to be a female although it comes with it's hardships, it's well worth the ride. I love getting dressed up, wearing makeup, doing my hair. I love gossip, magazines, and girls night out. Any GUY who thinks he CONTROLS a girl or that he's ABOVE her in any way, needs a reality check.
So everynight this week I've hung out with Josh (soon to be room-mate) and my soon-to-be-neighbors. It's been awsome! I am going to LOVE living there. If I lived there, I'd honestly be the happiest girl in the entire world because I'd have a place where I can be myself!!!
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| ...subject... |
[10 Jul 2005|05:39pm] |
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music |
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So unsexy- Alanis Morissette |
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( random )
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| how will the story end? where does the time go? |
[03 Jul 2005|03:09pm] |
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music |
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the story- mxpx |
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Wow. Long day yesterday. I saw watched every band I wanted to watch at Warped Tour. The day went perfectly. I finally saw Thrice. I met Mxpx. Fall out boy has good music to shake your ass to. Emery was amazing as usual. I feel sorry for whoever didn't go this year. I got made fun of for dancing during "chick magnet." All I have to say is thank you so much to Jerry for giving me all those Mxpx cd's for Christmas. I probably would have never loved them otherwise. I'm missing pop punk stuff for some reason.
I've been down lately. It seems like I can't do anything right. I miss having an escape. I feel guilty for missing someone I know is bad for me. I guess I can't help it. This time I swear I'll stop. I will make new rules for myself and build walls so high that not even the tallest man in the world could climb over.
"I've got all these problems. None with solutions. Been in and out of some nice institutions."
I just don't want to feel bad for existing. I feel guilty every day because I don't fit in anywhere. I come home and I'm reminded that my life is about to change drastically. I'm scared shitless. I'll have absolutely no safety net. I'm going to be completely alone. For some reason I don't like the sound of that. But when have I not been alone? I always feel alone. Even when I'm with people, I'm alone in my head. I'm thinking of a thousand other things I can hardly stop my mind to enjoy the moment. I decided to try something new. This summer so far has been about living in the moment. Taking risks. Not thinking about what's going to happen the next day. Now that I'm living this way I envy the people that have their lives planned out. I don't have the energy to defend my lifestyle anymore. I dont have the guts to even stand up to anyone anymore. I just want to crawl into a ditch and stay there. I'll curl my legs up and wrap my arms around them and cry into my knees like there's no tomorrow. I don't know what this world wants from me, I just don't.
I took pictures with Mike Herrera yesterday with a disposable I got at warped tour. A few others as well.
( Warped tour 2005 )
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[29 Apr 2005|01:54am] |
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music |
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this could be the 2nd to last time |
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I'm not myself anymore. I haven't been for a long time. I don't even know what to feel anymore. I know I hurt, but I don't know why.
Fuck the shit we have to go through just to care about someone. As if caring is a crime. As if having feelings for someone is a bad thing.
It's not my fault you have this power over me. It's not my fault for feeling like this. It's not my fault. It's yours. For being absolutely perfect in every way a person can be.
Fuck you.
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| livejournal smivejournal |
[23 Apr 2005|07:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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NFG ROX |
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music |
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New Found Glory |
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I've come to the conclusion that everyone wants what they can't have. no matter what. people can be happy, people can be content. but it's human nature to want what other's have. To be jealous.
Looks like the tables have turned, congratulations.
Last night I wanted to spill my guts to someone but I was held back by something. For the first time in a long time I realized that it probably wasn't worth it. Sure, I could say what I had to say. Maybe get a cheap thrill out of the deal even. But I'm sick of that. I'm sick of being second best. I'm sick of being the nice funny girl everyone likes to hang out with. The funny part is, I'm not even nice. I fucking hate people.
There are some things people don't admit just because they don't like the way it sounds..
like I'm lonely
The other day...Greg and I were talking about how great it is to have FRIENDS. To just have eachother to talk to, to hang out with, enjoy, to figure out, to love, to miss. I'm so lucky to have everyone I have. I'm sick of putting myself out there as anything else BUT a friend.
Summertime 2005 is going to be Summer2004 x 10. I'm ready to party. ARE YOU?
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dirtyshoes's journal
